How to make time to write

I was once told by someone that I had to make time to write or else I'd never write, and I eventually figured out the trick and it’s this:

Find a black hole and stand next to it.

That way, space-time bends or whatever happens, and then you start feeling really weird in your balls and then the next thing you know, you’ve been writing for five Earth years when only about two minutes have passed due to black hole bullshit.

And the best part (on top of the weird ball feeling) is that your fingers get elongated and your legs, and as a matter of fact, the entire rest of your body, because the black hole is swallowing all gravity and light and the fabric of reality itself, so as a result, you look at least ten pounds thinner.

I will say though that the very real downside to writing next to a black hole is that you tend to type fewer words overall but that's mostly due to your body being mashed down to the thickness of a particle far smaller than an atom, which science calls "a right wee-atom."

Look, I never wanted to be the guy who tells people how to find time to write so there's no need for you to be a cunt about it.